I knew that trying to make changes would be hard and that I would have to be willing to let go of people who were important to me. I knew there would be war. I knew that I would be torn down. I just wasn't sure when the real war would begin. When it would reach it's peak... but i know now. There is a transformation in my life and not some big spiritual high either. It is life that is happening. I'm only becoming more and more reaffirmed that you can’t trust anyone. No matter how close they are or how long you have known them, we all hurt someone eventually. My heart is broken. I mask it well, most of the time. Inside, I am left empty even though I know I am not. I am left hurting and tired using the little bit of faith that is left in me to trust the God has a bigger plan. I’m beginning to learn that I am perfect through every imperfection. That although I have much learning to do and changes to make, I am not worthless. I am not hopeless. I am not useless. No matter what happens to me I will never be perfect enough to make up for my past, to heal those I have hurt, or to fix the things that have been done that hurt me. My life can’t fix someone else’s. I was told this week that “Dead isn’t good enough. Dead doesn’t fix me.” that statement was true. But life doesn’t fix you either. Only you can fix you. “Live the life that you want, not the one they want”
I'm going through the fire, and it hurts to the core. No physical pain will show through, but inside me, I feel it. The only one who can take my pain and heal my heart once again is God and I know that. But this is the point where surrender becomes real. My hands seem to grip tightly to the hurt and pain. Its like broken glass… I know that if I open my hand, the glass can be pulled out. And although that would hurt to extract the glass at the time, it would bring healing as opposed to squeezing the glass tighter into my palm and allowing it to cut deeper and become infected.
This is decision time.
