Yesterday, I had a breaking point. A point where I was so sick of my old life.. the person I have become is not the person I long to be. I began to see the areas in my life that needed fixing, but not with out a little help. It took a lot for this "awakening" to hit me and I must say, it was not a pretty sight. I was hurting, angry, tired, and lonely when this all took place and I did not want to accept the truth about myself. The person I had become was one who was self-centered, prideful and most of all, not close with the one who loves me the most.. Jesus Christ. The problems were as some would say "poison" to those around me. I was a manipulator. None were intentional things that I was doing.. but somehow became a default version of me. You see, I knew all these things about me were true before they were even stated, but I was not willing to accept them and lose the things I held most tightly to. As of yesterday, I released my grip on the things and people I could not be around anymore. They may not be bad things or bad people, but they were not healthy for me to cling to when I should be making some big life changes. They were those things I held to when I had nothing else to hold.
Now, I am striving to be a person of compassion, a true friend, someone who knows how to love even when the love is not being returned the way I want it to be. I want to be a person who is looked at for her love and generosity... not someone who people warn, and say "don't tick her off" , or "all she does is flirt with a bunch of guys" which, let me just touch base on quickly... I do not flirt with a bunch of guys. I just don't like girls. If you ever take the time to get to know me, you will find the truth in all of that.
With that being said, I also want to do my part to change that view of me. I want to be an honorable person. I want my testimony to reflect the Grace of Jesus Christ and not because I have messed up oh so much or because I continue to have my problems, but because through those mistakes and struggles, I turn to Him and not my friends, family, or anything else.
I want to be different.
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