It's been a while.

The past month or so has really proven to be a learning experience. There have been many ups and downs and changes occurring. For one, I have been struggling on knowing what I really want to do with my life. I haven't been excited about much, especially not my missions work. Thankfully however, about this time last week, I was riding in my car to work and was singing a song in my car (as loud as possible) and all the sudden this overwhelming peace overwhelmed me. I suddenly knew that Missions was what I truly desired to do. That I was doing the right thing and that I didn't need to change majors, school, or anything else to find my place. I began to get excited about my summer trip to Brazil, which I had been dreading due to personal reasons with other people, and was able to put those problems aside.
On top of my excitement of this summer, I have chosen to follow God's direction into doing Old School, which is an outdoor leadership/ discipleship ministry, where i will be hiking, climbing, kayaking, biking, and caving, for three months. I will start in North Carolina and end up in Central America. (I will attach a link so you can find more information) Through this I can receive a minor in Outdoor Leadership and it is a wonderful opportunity to be discipled in Gods creation. I cant wait!

All of this amazing stuff is beginning to occur in my life, but do not be fooled. There are a lot of underlying issues that are creating heavy stress on my life. All have to do with certain people who have impacted my life in tremendous ways, and most of them were not good. Its almost like once i can honestly be thankful for the pain i went through, they pop right back up for more. I am scared out of my mind right now of being hurt again. I'm not sure how to handle some situations that are very rapidly approaching. Part of me knows to trust God and that there is a reason for the pain of the past and the promise of the future. I have no idea what is to come or how things will play out. But as i said, I am very apprehensive to find out. My fear is overwhelming right now. I made myself sick last night thinking about the possibilities of what is to come. I am headed home in just a matter of days and the events of spring break this year are not looking very promising. I am praying that God will calm my heart and give me a peace about the situations about to occur just like he has about my missions.

class is over. Be back later.

The Battle Has Begun

I knew that trying to make changes would be hard and that I would have to be willing to let go of people who were important to me. I knew there would be war. I knew that I would be torn down. I just wasn't sure when the real war would begin. When it would reach it's peak... but i know now. There is a transformation in my life and not some big spiritual high either. It is life that is happening. I'm only becoming more and more reaffirmed that you can’t trust anyone. No matter how close they are or how long you have known them, we all hurt someone eventually. My heart is broken. I mask it well, most of the time. Inside, I am left empty even though I know I am not. I am left hurting and tired using the little bit of faith that is left in me to trust the God has a bigger plan. I’m beginning to learn that I am perfect through every imperfection.  That although I have much learning to do and changes to make, I am not worthless. I am not hopeless. I am not useless.  No matter what happens to me I will never be perfect enough to make up for my past, to heal those I have hurt, or to fix the things that have been done that hurt me. My life can’t fix someone else’s. I was told this week that “Dead isn’t good enough. Dead doesn’t fix me.”  that statement was true. But life doesn’t fix you either. Only you can fix you. “Live the life that you want, not the one they want”

I'm going through the fire, and it hurts to the core. No physical pain will show through, but inside me, I feel it.  The only one who can take my pain and heal my heart once again is God and I know that. But this is the point where surrender becomes real. My hands seem to grip tightly to the hurt and pain. Its like broken glass… I know that if I open my hand, the glass can be pulled out. And although that would hurt to extract the glass at the time, it would bring healing as opposed to squeezing the glass tighter into my palm and allowing it to cut deeper and become infected.

This is decision time. 

Fresh Start 2/9/11

Yesterday, I had a breaking point. A point where I was so sick of my old life.. the person I have become is not the person I long to be. I began to see the areas in my life that needed fixing, but not with out a little help. It took a lot for this "awakening" to hit me and I must say, it was not a pretty sight. I was hurting, angry, tired, and lonely when this all took place and I did not want to accept the truth about myself. The person I had become was one who was self-centered, prideful and most of all, not close with the one who loves me the most.. Jesus Christ. The problems were as some would say "poison" to those around me. I was a manipulator. None were intentional things that I was doing.. but somehow became a default version of me. You see, I knew all these things about me were true before they were even stated, but I was not willing to accept them and lose the things I held most tightly to. As of yesterday, I released my grip on the things and people I could not be around anymore. They may not be bad things or bad people, but they were not healthy for me to cling to when I should be making some big life changes. They were those things I held to when I had nothing else to hold. 

         Now, I am striving to be a person of compassion, a true friend, someone who knows how to love even when the love is not being returned the way I want it to be. I want to be a person who is looked at for her love and generosity... not someone who people warn, and say "don't tick her off" , or "all she does is flirt with a bunch of guys" which, let me just touch base on quickly... I do not flirt with a bunch of guys. I just don't like girls. If you ever take the time to get to know me, you will find the truth in all of that. 

With that being said, I also want to do my part to change that view of me. I want to be an honorable person. I want my testimony to reflect the Grace of Jesus Christ and not because I have messed up oh so much or because I continue to have my problems, but because through those mistakes and struggles, I turn to Him and not my friends, family, or anything else. 

I want to be different.